1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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