i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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