I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
