I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
