i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
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