We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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