OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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