i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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