maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
