Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
