I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
