i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
