two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
