Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
