The maid of honor just puked.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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