I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
