i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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