can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
