Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
