What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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