Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
