when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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