I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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