Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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