I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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