No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
