I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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