My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Randomize