i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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