My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
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His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
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we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
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