I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
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I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
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I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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