just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
two words: eviction party
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
