I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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