So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
