I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
