If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
This baby is an asshole
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
