i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
