I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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