I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
