Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
