A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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