MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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