My liver just broke up with me...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
