break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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