just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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