I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
