so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
