the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
