You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I accidentally burped into my bong.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
