News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
