I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just had sex bonerless
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Randomize
