you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
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I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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