Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
