Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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