somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
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the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
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We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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