I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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