I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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