i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
We got so high we made milksteak
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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