Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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