I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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